Episode 008 – Becoming a Boundary Boss w/ Terri Cole

Are you having trouble saying, “no?” Do you resent saying, “yes?” Do you want it to be different? Join Roberto Candelaria as he talks with

Boundaries can be a challenge in business and life…and according to Terri Cole, author of Boundary Boss, they don’t have to be. Boundaries can be enforced with ease, kindness, grace, or a little heat and spice when needed. 

What is a boundary? 

Knowing your preferences, limits, deal breakers, and non-negotiables, and being able to clearly and transparently communicate them when you so choose.

Folks, it does no good to have an uncommunicated boundary.

Why don’t we communicate and enforce our boundaries? 

  • We’re praised and raised to be self-sacrificing.
  • We’re not taught to identify them or communicate them.
  • We’re perceived (particularly as women) as b*****, aggressive, demanding, or selfish when we do.

Establishing and communicating boundaries are learned skills. 

So, “where do I need boundaries?” Answer this question:

Who am I holding resentment against and for what?

Write it all down.

Remember, it’s never too late to revisit a boundary violation. You can start the conversation with: “Hey, I’d like to make a simple request” or “I’d like to make a simple request.” Terri’s book has a whole chapter of scripts. 

In our businesses, use contracts with clients. Be specific about expectations and deliverables. You don’t have to say “yes” to things not in the contract without payment. You don’t have to return email all hours of the day if you set the expectation as to when you will answer.

With our employees, set expectations for their performance and your own behaviors.

In your business, boundaries are about valuing who you are, what you have to offer, and you leading. 

Terri shared much more in the podcast. 

Give it a listen.


Boundary Boss is available at https://boundarybossbook.com/

Terri’s gift to my listeners is at https://boundaryboss.me/readytopropel


Roberto C.: Well, hey y’all. I don’t know if you’re anything like me but when it came to boundaries, especially as I was first starting out in business, I was awful at setting them. And I think a big part of that was that I didn’t understand what it meant to have boundaries as a leader, as a business owner. As a coach, it was, this place where I was just kind of in hustle mode, you know. It was like, “Oh, my God, everything needs to get done.” And everything’s an emergency. And when I learned to create boundaries in my life, in my personal relationships, and my marriage, and in my business, with my team, and with my clients and with contractors, life began to change in— such an old beautiful way because I finally understood that I could set boundaries. And after reading Terry’s book, who’s our guest today boundary boss, I learned that I could be a boundary boss now, y’all. Terry is so amazing. She is a psychotherapist, a global relationship and empowerment expert and the author of Boundary Boss, The Essential Guide to Talk True Be Seen, and finally, Live Free. And let me tell you, you will leave free and free error when you learn to create boundaries. So for over two decades, Terry’s worked with a group, diverse group of clients, y’all, I mean, everything from my stay at home moms to celebrities, to the Fortune 500, CEOs, and business owners all over the world. And one of the things that she’s able to do is to take extremely complicated and complex psychological concepts and make them accessible, and actionable for everyday people like you and me, so that we can not only hear them, we can not only see them and learn them, but we can actually achieve sustainable change within our lives, within our businesses. So she’s got her own podcast, and she inspires over 450,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, recourses snd her popular podcast the Terry Cole show. And so y’all, we’re going to jump right in with Terry here and welcome to episode eight of the show.

Show Intro: Welcome to the Relationships Make Money podcast where it’s all about the people, partners, and profits. Each week we’ll explore conversations around partnerships, leadership, our thoughts, and profits. And now your host, Roberto Candelaria. Roberto C.: All right, Terry, I’m so happy to have you here today. So one of my good friends, Tracy, was just like, you got to meet Terry, you got to meet Terry, you got to meet Terry. She’s been telling me about you for years and when she first did, you know, I was in my own journey of personal development around mental health and like my own depression and creating boundaries. I was like, “Somebody teaches people boundaries, like, what type of crazy person does this like, they love to have this conversation? What’s wrong with that?” And I realized that boundaries are healthy. Imagine that.

Terri C.:It’s amazing.

Roberto C.: So like, I guess, you know, as we jumped in today, like, what got you to where you are today, like into this work? And like, what’s your definition of boundaries?

Terri C.: Well, I’m in, listen, what did I say, Roberto, right? They say you teach what you most need to learn. So, I was a total friggin boundary disaster and didn’t realize until I had a bunch of therapy, that so much of my pain was coming from this lack of skill set. I didn’t, I didn’t get that that’s what it was. I just saw it as well, I have relationship conflicts, or I have these people in my life who are so entitled, or I have bosses who have these high crazy expectations that are unfair not realizing. Like, I was looking out and being like, “Look at what all these people are doing to me,” not realizing that I was colluding by having my own disordered boundaries in the situation. So, that’s definitely the why of where I, how I ended up being, teaching it. But my own definition of boundaries, I want you to think about your boundaries, because they’re very unique to you as your own personal rules of engagement. It’s the way we let others know what’s okay with us, and what’s not okay with us. So, according to Terry Cole, your boundaries are basically you knowing your preferences, your limits, and your deal breakers, right? Your non negotiables. And herein lies the rub, having the ability to clearly and transparently communicate them when you so choose.

Roberto C.: That’s good because that last part, especially the ability to clearly communicate them, I feel that sometimes people, including myself in the past have come up with this idea of, like, I have this boundary, and everybody should just know what it is. Everybody should just know that this thing is not okay. We’re not doing it today.

Terri C.: Right.

Roberto C.: And it’s amazing that they don’t. And I find that, you know, some people find boundaries to be restrictive. And so it sounds, like, that they just when they’re saying it’s restricted that they just may not know what’s okay, what’s not okay for them. So, like, what are, I guess some of the myths around boundaries that people have?

Terri C.: Yes. Good question because, hh, there’s so many of what we think it is. But before I answer that, let’s just quickly hit why do we have no friggin idea how to do it? Like, why don’t we—

Roberto C.:Yes.

Terri C.: because it is such a mystery and it’s so important. It’s so important that we know and yet we don’t. And hence, so important that I wrote a whole friggin book on it. So, we’re most of us were raised in praise, to be self-abandoning codependence. The more self-sacrificing you are, the better person you are, you know, they think it’s a compliment to say, “He would give you the shirt off his back.”

You’re like, “Keep your shirt on pal.” Like, be discerning about who you’re given your shirt to. But again, we were raised this way, especially in society, women in particular, are raised to be, “Hey, where’s my happy girl? Turn that frown around, be a good girl. Don’t be a big mouth. Don’t be a troublemaker. Don’t be a drama queen. Don’t stir the pot.”

Like, there’s so many overt and covert ways that not only were we not taught how to effectively identify our own boundaries, and then communicate them, we were really sold a bill of goods, that if you have boundaries and identify them, and communicate them, that you’re somehow being a bitch, that you’re somehow being bossy that you’re rejecting people, that you’re hostile, you’re aggressive, all of this stuff. Which is just a way of keeping us “in our place”, because it’s none of those things are true. You can establish and enforce boundaries with ease, with kindness, with grace with a little more spice or heat when you need to give him the circumstance. But you can literally always do this with kindness.

So, one of the biggest myths around boundaries is that you have to be aggressive to have them that it’s all about No, no, no and rejecting people, which is not true myths, boundaries, push people away. That’s the fear. Truth, boundaries are the bridges to the deepest, most satisfying intimacy you will ever experience in your life. They’re not boundaries, they are not blocks. They are you telling the truth, about how you feel and respecting the other person enough to share that with them. People think myth number 700, boundaries are selfish. If you have boundaries, you’re self centered, you, it’s my way or the highway. And that myth really pisses me off. And I’m going to tell you why. Because people look at people who have these my way or the highway boundaries, who are bossy controlling, and they’re like, “Oh, that’s a boundary boss.” I’m like, “No, that’s a boundary bully. That’s just as disordered as someone who can’t say no, who says yes, when they want to say no.” So, healthy boundaries are not someone slamming you into a wall with their boundaries. Right? It’s someone easily telling you the truth.

It’s, it’s literally sharing your preference with the people in your life, setting a limit with someone. “You need me to help you. I cannot help you on Saturday. I can help you on Friday from four to six in person’s life, but I really would like it to be on Saturday. I understand that. And I’m unavailable on Saturday though. So if you want my help, I’m happy to do it. But we’ll have to be Friday between four and six.” That you can still be loving and assert your needs and where. Alright, moving on. setting boundaries requires you to be mean, we already covered that. It takes too much time this, this has got me when my therapy clients who lie, “I don’t have time.” I was like, “Do you know what time disorder boundaries and the blow ups that are happening from that are sucking away from your life. You can spend the rest of your life cleaning up these boundary disaster situations?” Trust me. You don’t have time not to become a boundary boss. People think setting boundaries means saying no all the time. Not true. People will like you less if you have boundaries. I felt like I covered most of the main mess out there.

Roberto C.: Well, you know what’s, what’s funny, especially about that last one is that was one that I held on to. I was like, “People won’t like me if I start to say this is what’s okay.” And you know, whether it be like in my personal life, whether it be in a marriage, whether it be with a co worker or an employee, because, you know, you shared earlier about, like, we’re raised to be like, you know, “Hey, be the good girl,” you know, “Put on that smile.” And I think, you know, especially in communities of color, you know, I grew up, you know, my family is, we all types of things according to ancestry. But, you know, primarily in the Rio Grande Valley, so a lot of Mexican and Latino culture. And you know, even as something as simple when you were saying that I was just remembering like, they always say, like, “You never tell your grandmother’s, you’re not hungry. You eat the plate, and then you eat the second plate, or the third plate, however many they put there, because if you don’t, you’re being rude to your grandmother.” And then we wonder why we’re obese, and we have diabetes. We’re just picturing all of those things as you were talking about that. And so I’m curious, like, when people set their boundaries, and when they realize like, boundaries are a good thing for me, they actually helped me have healthy relationships. How can people actually begin to tell, like, when there’s been a boundary violation? Like, what really is a boundary violation, because it’s never been communicated? How constantly been violated?

Terri C.: Great point? Well, I can tell you right now, for anybody listening, if you’re like, “Gee, I wonder where I need boundaries.” I’m going to instruct you right now to do a resentment, inventory. Because where there is real lingering resentment, usually that means a boundary is needed. A boundary whether you have expressed it in words or not, is somehow being violated or in need of yours is going unmet. So that’s a good place to start. So, so we have, we start with the, and, you know, listen, I could, could literally in your mind right now, Roberto. I know you’re going through the list the—

Roberto C.: Absolutely.

Terri C.: The role of the—

Roberto C.: I’m human too, y’all.

Terri C.: Of course, and, and we all are. But this is what’s great about doing the resentment inventory, where you literally just go, “Right now, who am I holding resentment against?”

Look at the most, you know, the VIPs in your life, even the non VIPs. Because here’s the thing, a lot of times, if when we have disordered boundaries, we don’t even know that we should have a VIP section in our life. We just let any mofo come in and just plop themselves down because you don’t realize that you are the only bouncer for the VIP section of your life, meaning how much access people have to. You make the guest list and you put up with a velvet rope. And a lot of people don’t realize that, so they don’t. And then they’re twisting themselves up in a pretzel for, like, their third cousin once removed, who they don’t even like, right? And you’re like, “Why am I inviting cousin Betty twice removed to my bachelorette party when I don’t even like her and she’s drunk?” And because my mother’s like, “You’re gonna hurt her feelings if you don’t.” Well, you know what, I don’t want her at my bachelorette party and that’s okay. And so part of it is understanding and you would do it much nicer than I just did.

Roberto C.: Not all but—

Terri C.: Sometimes we need a little heat. Sometimes we need a little heat. That’s all I’m saying. Alright?

Roberto C.: Absolutely.

Terri C.: So other ways that you know, back to your question, because that was the long way around the barn to get back to it. How do we know in the moment, when a boundary has been crossed? Let’s say you will always have a physical reaction. Even if in the beginning, when you’re still kind of a boundary disaster, or maybe a mini disaster. Maybe you can’t do anything in the moment. A lot of times, we end up having our fight, flight freeze, fawn response, get kicked up, right? We feel threatened by something that’s happened and so in the moment, they’ll be like, “I can’t even believe what you just said but I’m not saying anything about it.”

Partly because sometimes we freeze and we can’t. It’s never too late though. So don’t worry, the more you do this work, the easier it becomes. And the more you’ll be able to go in the moment, you’ll be able to say “Oh, hey, can you back up one sec. Can you please let me finish my story before you tell yours.” And then I promise I’m all ears for yours. Like, these things will become natural for you to do but instead what we do now, if we don’t have the skills, because we’ve got this massive resentment file cabinet, and we’re just filing you know, reason 10,044, why Bob and accounting as an ale like, we’re literally just filing it away, but to our own detriment, because we’re the ones that are holding on to that heavy thing. So, once you know, physically, so what what might happen to you physically when a boundary is crossed? You might have a constriction in your chest. Think about it for yourself, Roberto, what happens for you? When something—

Roberto C.: As soon as you said it, before you even said constriction-wise chest, I was just like, like, my stomach is just like, like, it’s like the whole Solar Plexus area just like, “This isn’t right.” And sometimes it’s like, I don’t even know what’s not right. But you just might, I just know, it’s just like, “Oh, this doesn’t feel good.”

Terri C.:Yes.

Roberto C.: And I’ve learned to now ask, why doesn’t this feel good? But before we’re just like, okay, like, I don’t know what happened. And it’s been a journey.

Terri C.: Right. But something happened, but something happened, right? So part of it is, there will always be evidence that something happened. So if you’re, if this is, like, kind of really new to you, with you, whoever’s listening, realize that your body has so much wisdom. And so you’ve got to be present enough to be able to hear the wisdom of your body. So don’t worry, my client, therapy clients would say, “I missed the opportunity, because I should have said something in the meeting.” I’m like, “Are you nuts?” You can, I can teach you how to go but you can go back to 1970 FNA if you want to. To be like, “Hey, Bob, I wanted to have a conversation with you about what happened in the summer of 78.” You can, because there’s no statute of limitations, you decide, if you are still being bothered by something, if you still feel like something is incomplete for you. And as long as you’re clear that it’s your side of the street, meaning, I think there’s a lot of confusion, you know, Roberto, about boundary violations. And that a lot of times people will use it like, this is my boundary, but it’s really, they’re using it as a lever of control. So I’m going to give you a quick example.

I had a client whose partner like to go to bed late, she liked to go to bed early, and she was always bummed. So they were trying to compromise, like, maybe a few nights a week, we’ll go to bed at the same time. So we can once in a while have sex or whatever is going to happen when you’re there together. And she said, her husband would, when he would go to bed late, she was already in bed at 10 o’clock sleeping, but then he would come into the room. And he would flip on the light, the overhead light, and like, not be quiet and getting undressed in the room. And she’s like, “He’s violating my boundary, he’s violating two boundaries which is my, my need to go to bed early. His need to go to bed late is violating that boundary.” And I was like, “No, that is not a boundary violation. That is a simple preference. He’s a grown man and has a right to have a preference to go to bed late. You’re a grown woman, and you have a right to have a preference to go to bed early.” She’s like, “But the second one, he is violating my boundary, right?” I was like, “Yes. Because his, he could be considerate. You’ve asked him, “Hey, I bought you a little, a little light that goes on your head, a little miners light, it’s you don’t have to blast the overhead light while I’m sleeping. Can you get changed in the second bedroom or in the bathroom?” Like, there’s ways to be considerate. So that’s a perfect example of him wanting to go to bed when he wants to go to bed is not a boundary violation. She just doesn’t like it.

Roberto C.: Alright.

Terri C.: Him coming in and waking her up, that is a boundary violation. And they’ve agreed he’s agreed prior to him continuing to do it, that he would be more considerate, but then didn’t do it. So, those two things are very clearly, let’s make the distinction between one is about control. “I want you to go to bed when I go to bed.” But that doesn’t mean the person has to acquiesce to what you want, because we’re all grown people. The other that is impinging on her side of the street, was him coming in and being loud and putting on modes.

Roberto C.: So it sounds like and, you know, I tried to think of the words in my head, it sounds almost like what you’re saying is that there are some people that would choose to create a boundary from a place or what they would call a boundary, a place of “Aha! I got you, I got you your hands in the cookie jar,” versus a place of respect of—

Terri C.: Yes, and here’s the thing, our boundaries are to protect ourselves, our dignity, the integrity of our relationships. That’s what they do, because think about it right one of the most common sort of boundary difficulties people have if you have porous boundaries, right, you can either have porous boundaries which are too loose, rigid boundaries, which are too firm, or the just right boundary, which is healthy boundaries, is people saying yes, when they want to say no.

People are having difficulty saying no, or setting limits with others. So let’s break that down. We’re doing that. my clients would say, “You know, I just want I’d set it because I just want to be nice and I want them to think I’m nice.” I’m like, “Okay, are you saying yes when you really want to say no, is not only not nice, it is misleading.”

What it’s doing is, it sparing you from having a difficult conversation. But it is not being nice to the other person, because what you’re doing is you’re giving the people in your life, the ones, maybe you love the most corrupted data about who you are, and your preferences and what you actually want. And then you’re like, “Why am I am not satisfied in this relationship?” Because you’re hiding, because you’re not sharing who you actually are, and letting them get to know you?

What’s wrong with your preferences? Nothing? Right? What’s wrong with having preferences and limits and deal breakers? Nothing. We all have them, but most of the time we just make our partners or our siblings or whomever guess, at what they are, and then we judge them for not being us, you know?

Roberto C.: Yeah. So, let’s bring this into the business fear a little bit.

Terri C.: Oh, yes.

Roberto C.: So, you know, we work with coaches, community leaders, and speakers. And, you know, one of the things it’s been so interesting to watch them, and especially since, you know, the pandemic, it’s been fascinating for years, but especially around the pandemic. And now that, you know, we’re kind of on the, I’m not going to say the tail end of this thing, because you know, a virus is doing what it’s supposed to be doing. It’s, it’s recreating. And I find that coaches just don’t use the word properly when it comes to their relationship with their clients. And, you know, some crazy off the wall examples. And by the way, if you’re listening to this, don’t call me and be like, “Was that me?” Because you know, that was you were not, so let’s just throw that out there. Like, I just love when people just like, you know, you’re going to buy this thing. And the calls are only this day, this time, if it’s a one on one thing, or they sell something that is like, “Oh, you know, you have three minutes to decide if you’re going to be a part of this.”

And what I see in an industry as a whole, which, and I love the coaching industry, I love the personal development industry, which is why I have these conversations. I see so many people creating what I would call not a good boundary from a place of their own scarcity, or their own fear or their own limitation. How should coaches begin to think about boundaries in their businesses and with their clients and creating boundaries and integrity for their community?

Terri C.: I think we’re talking about two different things. Yeah. So I think that the one thing we’re talking about is their integrity in the marketing. So you have squeeze pages, and you have, there’s a time limit and you have the all the crap that happens. Some of it, I feel like it’s probably necessary. A lot of it, I think is shady is whatever. And I don’t say that. Okay, I couldn’t I was sad if I was allowed to curse on here. But like, you know, the whole squeeze page shit and the whole like, being like we you need to decide the next time anyone who ever says to me in my life, ever, you need to decide in the next five minutes. I’m like, “Don’t even continue.” Because that answer is no, because I don’t make any decisions on anyone else’s timeline, but my own.. So you can keep whatever the hell it is you’re trying to sell me.

Anyway, so that’s one thing, right? So we’re talking about marketing, professional boundaries with your clients within your actual business, are so important. And there’s a way for you to set everyone up to be successful by creating proactive business boundaries. Where are you, and I’m actually giving you I’m giving this to you to share with your community, a way for them to create their own proactive business boundaries. So before we can tell anyone else, what our business preferences are in the way that we work and what they can expect, we need to get real clear on what that is. So that’s the beginning part of the process.

How do you like to work? What are your working hours? When can they expect communication from you? How long does it take to get it back to someone? Do you have a cancellation policy? What is it? Is it enforced? All of these things have to be in writing. And obviously, if you have an actual business, people should be signing contracts. Because making these positive assumption, right, the positive assumption that everyone is like us is wrong. And this happens all the time with business and in personal life. We do this, it’s called positive projection, where we assume that our morals, our values, our thoughts, our whatever, that if we really liked someone, we’re like, “Oh, yeah, we’re on the same page.”

Let’s, to protect the business relationship. We put it all in writing, so that we’re all super clear. So are you actually okay with your terms? Well, once you get it all in writing, you’ll know same thing with hiring people. Your onboarding process has to be super clear and concise, so that everyone can succeed. It’s not having them guess, my team knows I do voice notes. This is how we do it. Now I don’t care, listen to my business, right? So another thing is I just, we just hired two people, and I was super clear in the meetings, I was like, “Hey, I’m hiring you for your expertise. Super excited, you’re on the team, I’ll be asking your opinion on things. And for total clarity, this is not a democracy. This is my business. What matters is what I want.” Because it’s also a personal brand, right? So it’s my voice. It’s right— so I’m going to ask you your opinion. And then I’m going to decide what we’re doing and then that’s what we’re doing. And I wanted that to be clear, because that’s also a leadership position, not to be like a power monger. I’m very understanding, right? But clarity is, I’m the leader of this business, because it’s my business. So with, with the thing that I’m giving you guys, I’m going to tell you where you can get it right now. And then you can put it in the show notes, you’re just going to go to boundaryboss.me/readytopropel. And that’s where you’re going to find this beautiful thing. And you guys can create this for your clients, but also for your, if you have people you work with, or you have people who work for you, if you have other coaches if you have to. It’s getting really clear with others. Oh, I checked, I mean, I just did a reading with some guy like meaning he did a reading for me. And it was so interesting. I emailed him. And I got back the super clear email that said, emails are answered on Tuesdays between 4pm and 6pm, Eastern. that’s it, that’s the only time and he’s like, he does like a astrology reading. So fine, he could do what he wants. But I was so clear. I’m not going to hear back from him until Tuesday. And that’s fine.

It’s the not communicating, that creates the problems and the resentment. And so clarity around your work boundaries, like when you’re done working, be done working. I mean, there’s a study that just came out that said, every hour, you work over 48 hours in a week, you become 1%, less focused on whatever it is you’re trying to accomplish. So just don’t work yourself to death, right? Have those boundaries, especially if you’re working from home. And pandemic did that for many people were shut everything down, change your clothes, saved your house, I don’t know what you need to do. But there needs to be a delineation between working. Don’t, do not check your email one last time unless there’s some emergency just don’t. Because you, that, that leaks, so much energy that really does negatively impact your creativity, your inspiration, all of those things.

Roberto C.: Wow, I was over here. I mean, first of all, thank you for everything you just said I was over here taking notes. And when you started with the thing of like, “Okay, so last week, how many percent were we down?” Again, in the percent. And you know, and I also like the boundary of like, when you’re done, you know, so like, for me in the new place that we moved into, it’s like I’m here in my office, when I walk out at whatever time I set for that day. And close that door, my computer stays in here, everything stays in here, I’m not allowed back in here. Next day.

Terri C.: Love it.

Roberto C.: And it just became something for me. And so I guess, last couple questions here is I know you’ve got a couple books out and I’ve got to peruse a bit. But when people are thinking about you know, creating their boundaries, and another we’re going to have this great opt in for them at boundaryboss.me/readytopropel. You know, where should people also just, you know, get started in this journey, if they’ve never done it before and they’re scared, you know, quite frankly, because, you know, they’re just like, “But I’ve never told anybody what I really thought, where should I start?

Terri C.: Well, first of all, it’s so exciting. So let’s just start with how exciting it is that that this, this is ahead of you because your life is going to change in such beautiful and satisfying and abundant ways from becoming a boundary box. Trust me. You’re going to start with what I have you do in the book and I’ll actually have Tracy included in your gift is I have people create this list called the ‘Okay, and not okay’ list. And this is an every single solitary area of your life where we, we really go in. I know as much as people generally can’t wait to go out, like, the moment you know, you need to have boundaries that people like everyone wants to pick up the megaphone and be like, “Everybody we need to talk, everything is going to change.” But we’re not doing that. That’s just an end. That’s like an anxiety like reaction sort of, you know? So you’re going to go in and look at what is okay and not okay. And you’re also going to do that resentment inventory. Because this will give you a place to start.

And then as you continue on, and in the book itself which people can get a boundarybossbook.com, is that what it’s called?

Roberto C.: Yeah.

Terri C.: That’s what it’s called with all of the bonuses still, there’s one whole chapter that is just scripts. Because I think what is really helpful when you get to the point where you’re going to have different conversations, is having a whole bunch of sentence starters like, “Hey, I’d like to make a simple request.” Right, no matter what boundary request you’re making, whether they do it or not, we don’t know. But it is a simple request, basically, or “I’d like to bring to your attention,” or “I was thinking about our interaction last Wednesday, and I thought that you should know that I felt—” blah, blah, blah. But I give you so much more. I mean, it’s an entire chapter with just scrapes from bumping into your ex narcissist in the you know, in the grocery frozen department, in the grocery store, or whatever.

So there’s always language that can be so helpful. And in business too, language is helpful. We need to know how to start but before that is the understanding where boundaries are most needed. What is creating the most pain in your life? Or what is sabotaging your business efforts, right? Because if you have a demanding client, and they’re paying you for X number of things, but they’re like, but I’m also adding this, this and this, and I don’t want to pay for it. And you’re like, “Well, okay, just this one time,” you’re setting yourself up for failure, and for so much resentment, right, then we want to be like, Betty is so entitled, rather than saying, “Oh, hey, Betty, actually, if you check out our agreement, paragraph six B, states very clearly that this is what’s included. But hey, if you want to add this, I’m happy to add an addendum to our agreement, because that could be great. Like, I would be really excited about that. But Betty, you’re going to be paying for that because it isn’t free.” Like, my time is valuable. My skills are valuable. But you understand that when we over give and over function, which is having to sort of boundaries, and also being codependent, we are limiting, we’re diminishing our own value. And this is how our clients perceive it. They’re like, “They value their time, I’m going to, I’m going to text them in between sessions, I’m going to expect them to be on call for me”. And it’s your job to be so clear, and manage those expectations up front. And it makes your business so much more successful, because you’re not resentful all the time..

Roberto C.: Thank you, Terry. Thank you so much for being here for our conversation today. I just have one last question. And it’s this, we work with a lot of women and a lot of women of color. And I know building a business is such an amazing journey. I, like, it’s like the best roller coaster in the world. Sometimes just a few twists, a few drops and some highs and lows and everywhere in between. to a woman listening to this today, thinking about, like, “Hey, I’m ready to go make my first 100,000, my first quarter million, the first million, what advice would you give them today?

Terri C.: Well, first of all, go you. And yes, you can. And boundaries are the thing that you’re going to build that million dollar business on valuing who you are, and what you have to offer. And you lead in. That’s really the difference. A lot of times when we’re we’re letting the client lead because we have fear and we have, like, approval things and we have the disease to please and we don’t want anyone to be upset. But what really makes people feel secure. And trust you is if you lead, believe in your skills, believe in your potential. Believe that you deserve to make a million dollars to make $5 million to make as much friggin money as you want to. And that’s it. It’s about you believing in you because you know what, I believe in you. I have no doubt that you can do it.

Roberto C.: Awesome. Thanks so much, Terry. Y’all tune back in for the next episode, and we’ll be back with you soon.

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